Strong, but Tired: Why We Struggle to Ask for Help

In our culture, independence is celebrated. We’re taught to be self-sufficient, resilient, and capable. And while those qualities are wonderful, there’s a hidden risk: taking independence too far.

This is where hyper-independence shows up. It’s more than being capable—it’s the urge to do everything on your own, even when you’re drowning.

What Is Hyper-Independence?

Hyper-independence is a protective strategy. It isn’t a flaw in your personality—it’s often rooted in life experiences where you felt you couldn’t rely on others.

That might include:

• Growing up in a home where you had to “step up” too soon.

• Times you were let down badly by people you trusted.

• A family or culture where self-sufficiency was expected.

• Experiences of trauma that taught you vulnerability wasn’t safe.

It’s not the same as healthy independence. Healthy independence allows you to connect with others and lean on support when needed. Hyper-independence, on the other hand, can cut you off from connection altogether.

Why Do We Do It?

At its core, hyper-independence says: “If I don’t rely on anyone, I can’t be let down.”

It’s linked to survival instincts—what psychologists often call “fight mode.” When things feel chaotic or unsafe, the nervous system kicks into gear, and taking over everything yourself feels like the only option.

How It Shows Up

Hyper-independence can sneak into all areas of life:

• Relationships: Struggling with intimacy, pushing people away, refusing help.

• Work: Overachieving, perfectionism, never delegating.

• Daily life: Feeling isolated even when you’re surrounded by others.

At first glance, it looks like strength. But underneath, it often feels like exhaustion, loneliness, and resentment.

Breaking the Cycle

Shifting away from hyper-independence isn’t about suddenly leaning on everyone—it’s about taking small, intentional steps.

• Notice the pattern: Become aware of when you’re saying “I’ve got it” by default.

• Challenge the story: If you believe “people always let me down,” ask yourself—what about the times people have shown up?

• Start small: Practise asking for help in tiny ways, like letting someone else cook or carry a bag.

• Prepare for discomfort: Others won’t always do things perfectly. That’s okay—it’s about building tolerance for imperfection.

• Reframe: Accepting support isn’t weakness. It’s part of being human.

Reflection for You

Think about the last time you really needed help but stayed quiet.

• What stopped you from speaking up?

• How might it have felt different if you’d asked—even in a small way?

• What’s one tiny request you could make this week to practise letting someone in?

Final Thoughts

Hyper-independence may have served you once—it kept you safe, got you through, or helped you survive. But in this season of life, it might be costing you connection, energy, and peace.

You deserve support. You deserve to be cared for. You don’t have to keep carrying it all alone.

🎧 Want to hear the full conversation?

Listen to the podcast episode Strong, but Tired: Why We Struggle to Ask for Help for deeper insights, personal stories, and practical steps you can start using today.

✨ Want to go deeper? Join the free Walking Session Crew to access journaling prompts and reflections designed to help you gently shift out of hyper-independence and into healthier, supported living.